Hi you.. yes, you

I read the Blogging 101 assignment for the 4th day and thought… oh, that’s a tough one  “Write a post to your dream reader”.  Eeks..  What if I don’t know who my dream reader is?  I’ve struggled with this as I really haven’t thought about who I’d want to reach.  But I decided to choose someone.. and go for it.

Can you imagine?  It’s been over three years. Yes, three full years.  Ups, downs, happy conversations, emotional conversations,  no conversations.  Not knowing what is going on to hearing how much you care.  Worrying about your well-being to hearing from family that you are still out there.  Three years.  A long time.  But the last year has been the most difficult.  From conversing remotely every day, to every few days, to every few weeks, to …well… not at all.  Just nothing… empty space; no response.  The heart doesn’t always understand what the mind can imagine.  The mind doesn’t always reconcile successfully with the heart.  Do you still care?  Are you still there?  Poof… yes, there you are.. you arrive on my birthday, you say hi; you say you just don’t know what to say; you say you still care and know that I probably feel abandoned. Yes, that’s a good word…abandoned.  You ask me to forgive you and you ask just to “be” there, together.  Then as quickly as you arrived, you leave..and then nothingness.  Again, I fall into wondering, into worry, into guessing…although only a few weeks have gone by, it feels like so long… I was so hopeful, so happy to know you were still out there, that you still cared, that you possibly still love. And now, I sit in a hole, my heart torn again.. but yet, I would forgive you in a moment; I’d listen to all that has happened; I’d want to know… to get to know you.. the you that you are today.  I want to know you. I want to understand. I just want you in my life, no matter the capacity… no matter the intent.  It was always… you…from nearly the moment I met you and yes, it still is.